Parents, Be Fair

   Being fair is impossible but to be as fair as possible is  possible. Being fair to children is not an easy task because it is quite subjective given certain situation. If it's quantitative, it'll be easier e.g. giving the same amount of sweets to each of them. On the other hand, subjective fairness is quite tricky to handle. Example, you wouldn't buy the same birthday gift for all your children for that year due to their differences. So you try buying what they like which might be difficult because of the price, you feel it's not right or you can't find one. So for one child you got something he/she like and the other something which 'you think' is to his/her liking. Maybe to a child they see it as unfairness. 

   Therefore parents must try to be 'a good radar' at detecting what their children are thinking. This can only be achieved through good communication and spending more time with your children in order to learn reading their mood as well as body language. Some children are easier to care, understand and teach than other children. Do remember that each child is unique in his/her own way and love all of them the same. Love here doesn't mean spoiling them or giving whatever they want to compensate your guilt for not spending enough time with them or caring for them. Also remember that children are not for show to your friends about how successful you are. They are for love. So parents must learn and try their best in parenting. Different child means different approach. Parents must be creative and innovative in parenting. You must learn to know your children well and know what approach will work better for them. After trying your very best, if they are still not what you expected then have no regrets because you have tried your best.

Prescription : Be an example of fairness

(2.06.11-Thursday)


Example of unfairness


1.  This child give a house to the parents to stay, be the one to rush him to the hospital during emergency, be in the hospital the the whole day when parent got admitted, brought him home to care but the parents are still unhappy. Those more well to do siblings who just came to visit  then went home, not needing to care for them personally but with gifts and money for them worth more. Why the child feel unappreciated and not fair? One bad episode as example was once when the parents invited friends and the other siblings to a party which the parents held, the parents actually forgot to invite the child who provide the very house they are staying until asked by friends about the whereabouts of that child. They then only phoned the child  by telling her that her sister came and whether she would like to come over. When she reached their house with her family, friends and sisters asked why she and her family were late. She was taken by surprise and felt very disappointed that her parents actually forgot about her. The food are leftover food since all of them had stopped eating. She kept quiet and left after sitting for 15 minutes. Should she still believe that she has the responsibility to care for her elderly parents? She doesn't know what to feel anymore but believe they are still her parents anyhow.


2.  An elderly couple has two children. One of them is an adopted child. The parents are in their late 70s. The parents gave all their assets to their own child who is well to do and left nothing to the adopted child who is although poor is very filial and always care for them. After the transferring of assets, their own child asked this adopted sister to care for the parents who were sick. The adopted child usually will agree but that time she refused because of the parents' unfairness. She said she's only an adopted child and always treated as a maid no matter what she did. She had enough and she needs to work to put enough food on the table.


3.  The parents gave a big chunk of their assets to the eldest child and the youngest child before their deaths because they always complained to the parents that they didn't earn enough money. The fourth child was given a lorry workshop. The house went to the second wife. Insurance money of RM 30 000 was divided between 3rd and 4th child. Whatever other leftover assets (after deducting legal fees) which is minimal(>< RM30 000) are divided between the six brothers. Exorbitant medical fees in private hospitals were mostly paid by the 2nd and 5th brothers who didn't tell their parents about their difficulties by taking out their savings and by credit cards. The eldest refused to pay any saying he didn't have enough (but could afford to buy 2 new cars so far?). Fair ?